I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
