First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
