this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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