Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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