Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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