apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
