Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
