You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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