i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
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Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
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In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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