i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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