His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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