Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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