There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
