Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
