It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
