where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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