There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
