dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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