Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
sarcasm needs its own font
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
