you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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