I got chris browned last night
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
