i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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