I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
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When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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