you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just tell him i said nine months
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
