I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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