Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
