Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The struggles of a small town man whore
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
