A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
