i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
