I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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