Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
