So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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