Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
