I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
God, I missed his penis.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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