dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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