Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
