I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
