Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
