i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
