I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
