On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
