at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
