I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
