It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
