i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
this hospital has no fireball
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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