apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
