Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
