Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
