I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
