I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
