Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Randomize
