Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
