If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
