this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
In America we eat man semen.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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