just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
