my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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