sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How naked do you want me to be?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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