Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What a dumb baby whore.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
