I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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