can we get nightvision for the apartment?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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