it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
