I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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