i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
