im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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