My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
