No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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